He Beats Me but...

March 04, 2006

I Don't Know What to Say.

People obviously wonder why I stick around when Frank treats me the way he does.

I guess it's because:

Thought A - Half the time I don't know whether or not it is my fault. Do I make him like this? Do I piss him off? Am I really that bad to live with?

Thought B - Sometimes it's good and then I start convincing myself that things will get better. He will stop and learn the error of his ways. Then magically he will give me a break and I will have a chance to get myself together. (This often leads to thought A)

Thought C - I haven't got anywhere else to go and I don't want to drag the kids away from their home and school again. (This often leads to thought B)

Thought D - I'm scared of being alone. Even though he does hardly anything to help me, I am scared that I won't cope on my own. In the back of my mind I know I would and that it would probably be easier. (This leads to thought C)

Thought E - On top of the fear of being alone I am scared that he will come after me and that things will get ten times worse. He has said over and over that he would kill everyone I know. I don;t necessarily believe this but the threats do their job. (This leads to thought D)

See the pattern?

The right thing is to leave and be safe.

However to me the right thing is to also stay and try to help a man who is obviously in need.

I never know my own fucking mind anymore.

I remember talking about women in abusive relationships and how they should just leave. Now I know how hard it is to be that woman. I hate myself for wanting to leave and for wanting to stay. No matter what I do from here, someone(s) will be miserable.

...

Today he flipped on me again. I tried to walk away and just ignore it but he started throwing clothes at me. Then when I dropped them on the floor he start shaking and pushing me and smacked me across the side of my head. Later he threw a lit cigarette at me too. It got caught in my hair.

I can't be bothered to row or fight with him anymore. I told him that if he means what he has to shout about he can do it on his own. I would leave him to it and he could go on with the rest of his life without me.

I meant it too. I haven't said anything else.

After everything had happened he went back to bed. He got up around five o'clock - long enough to have a smoke and bath the baby. Now he has gone back to hiding in bed.

He can stay there.

I'm too pissed, angry and hurt myself to bother with it anymore.

If he wants to let me and the kids slip out of his life, rather than do something about his disgusting behaviour, so be it.

This needs to end.

I can't take anymore.

I Still Love You xxx

8 comments

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8 Comments:

I linked to you because I found your blog as interesting as it is distressing.

You don't need me to tell you to leave him but...

please leave him.

By Daniel Hoffmann-Gill, at 12:32 PM

'Leopards' sweetheart. You know they don't, I know they don't. Never have never will.

Like DHG said....

please.

By FOUR DINNERS, at 1:33 AM

Where is she goingo to go? Where am I going to go?

A wounded bird cannot fly, not alone. It hurts too much.

There is no help, no where, no how.

The fatal error was having the stupity (courage) to love and trust in the 1st place.

By thesunissetting, at 12:28 AM

just stumbled across your blog... brings back alot of memories for me, as i was once in an extremely abusive relationship (6 yrs it lasted - two kids from it), and i can relate to everything you're writing...

listen, you are *not* on your own. and you *can* leave... no-one (but that cunt of a bloke) would blame you.

and yes, we know - he needs help, but why have you got to be the one to help him when you have to sacrifice your own self-worth to do so? the healing takes years... 11 yrs on and i still have scars, physical and emotional.

btw - i had those threats too. at the end of the day though he turned out to be a COWARD.

email me if you like (pink@agirlwitha.com)... but please be safe honey x

By pink, at 10:39 AM

So you really don't love your children at all, do you?

If you want to be abused by a worthless piece of shit, feel free. But how DARE you pretend to be a mother??? Your children are more important than ANYTHING, yet you choose this... this scum above them.

Congratulations, you are succesfully inculcating in them the idea that it is ok to abuse women/be abused by men. You are DESTROYING THEM.

Everyone here is so sweet and supportive. That's just great. Too bad your kids don't have a mother to show that they rank higher than a violent, abusive scumbag. Great message. Really great.

By Anonymous, at 3:39 PM

The destructive thought cycle is not helping. Thought E is rubish. You live in a nation that is fundamentaly suportive of people like you.

Think and think hard. This is no example to set your children. A bit of planning and you can be gone with the kids and he will never find you.

The others are right change is not on the cards for the future. How much more can you take?

By Anonymous, at 3:18 PM

to the anonymous 1, i have known this lass a very long time and belive me i know just how much she love's her kid's and to what lengths she has been to get them and keep them. one day she will get sorted and do what is right for her and them

By jak, at 10:22 PM

http://forums.white-wolf.com/viewtopic.php?t=36542

By Anonymous, at 5:57 PM