He Beats Me but...

January 06, 2006

Depression Beats You Down

Yesterday (after yet another night of only 3-4 hours sleep) I woke up extremely depressed. As is likely to happen, I spent the early hours of the morning sitting and crying.

To make things worse I locked myself out of the house when I went to take the kids to school. Frank was still in bed and it took me an hour and a half to finally wake him up. This meant I was sitting in the freezing cold with the baby for all that time. It set off my tears again.

Frank and I ended up rowing. I don't know why. He said I was snapping at him, but I wasn't. I ended up walking out to get some space but when I returned he kicked off big time.

I tried to explain to him that it is all taking its toll on me. That his depression and anger issues are stopping me from living the life that I want to. That I am just desperate to have him around more, being the wonderful person he can be.

Things calmed down but then something (I have no idea what) started it all up again. He told me that he wanted me to stay up with him all night because he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. Angrily I agreed.

We sat and watched a film. By then it was 3:30am. Something (I have no idea what) started it off again.

I haven't slept. The whole day and night were a constant up and down.

Today things are tense. He dropped me off at an appointment that I had to go to this morning then came back home and put him and the baby to bed.

I'm pissed about it but I can't be bothered to moan or get upset.

I have a bruise on my eye and under my chin (nothing huge or serious and easily hidden with a little make-up). My hips ache, my legs are crampy and I desperately need sleep.

I'm not angry with him. I haven't got the energy.

The only coping strategy I have right now is to wake him up in a bit and see if he is willing to at least pick my daughter up for me today.

Surely I am entitled to some rest and a hot bath before I'm running around doing the rest of the housework, dinner, homework, baths...

Do I wish that he had left night when he said he was going to?

No.

Am I glad he stayed?

Yes.

Do I think this will ever get sorted out?

I haven't got a clue.

Am I willing to keep trying?

Yes.

Is he a horrible, nasty, monster of a man?

No.

This is what comes of an abusive childhood. I can't help but see that he is a victim in all of this too.

His anger management is due to start in March. I'm praying it wont be delayed, but I find I'm praying because I want it for him, not me.

It's hard to see him as messed up as he is, to see the reflection of the hell he went through.

I hope for his sake he can sort this out. In a way I am the lucky one because I know and have proven to myself that I am the stronger one. At times he is in more danger from himself than I ever would be.

I Still Love You xxx

2 comments

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2 Comments:

we are all praying for you. dont lose hope. bless you,
chris

By Anonymous, at 3:42 PM

Promised myself I wouldn't come back to your blog. Too many memories stirred up. But what vivid, poignant writing....

Good luck, Sparrow.

By Shades of Grey, at 12:21 AM