He Beats Me but...

December 29, 2005

Cross Your Fingers

Things have been a little tense today. I got my period and my hormones are running riot. I am in 'biting heads off' mode and have very little patience for Frank's tenseness.

So far all disasters have been successfully avoided.

I'm not so sure that I will be able to say that by the end of the next seven days.

I Still Love You xxx

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December 28, 2005

O.K

I don't want anyone who reads this to think that frank is a complete monster and that my life is hell. Things are extremely difficult at times but they are also particularly wonderful at other moments.

We all had a lovely Christmas, mostly due to Frank. He has more enthusiasm than I do for the whole thing.

Things are generally getting better here. Frank has had occasional out bursts but we have managed to deal with them before things have gotten insane. He hasn't hit me once since our last big fight.

We have managed to talk more and Frank has been more receptive to my thoughts on his behaviour and attitude patterns. He really has tried harder lately and life has improved.

I Still Love You xxx

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December 04, 2005

I'm Lost

I didn't manage to tell Frank that I was proud of him on Thursday. For my own nervous reasons I found it impossible to do. However I did manage to tell him that I had missed him while he was in bed and later that day he came and told me he was really pleased with all the effort I had been making.

Thursday night I plucked up the courage to confess about some photos he had of his ex girlfriend that were really bothering me. He was cool and fantastic about it.

Then on Friday morning he got up and started shouting. I put my arms around him and told him I didn't want to fight. We both agreed to just get on with things. Then Friday afternoon the kids first dad phoned asking if we could drop them off this weekend. That started him shouting again. I tried to keep simple by saying it was up to Frank, yes or no and that would be the end of it. He said we would take them.

When we got in the car he continued to shout at me the whole way there and the whole way back.

We calmed it down sort of when we got home then I went to bed.

Yesterday he beat crap out of me. He knocked me out and has bruised my head very very badly. I think one of my ribs may be fractured or broken and I can't breathe in very well at all. My head is still spinning in a big way and I feel constantly sick.

I tried to get him to phone my mum or anyone to help us sort this out but he wont.

Now I am back to sitting here while he is in bed wondering what on earth I should do. He says he wants to work it out. That he just needs some positivity from me but I'm lost. I haven't got a clue what I did so bad to make it escalate when I was generally trying to calm it down the whole time.

He is moaning at me for being panicked and scarred but I don't know how else to be when things like this keep happening.

I'm so confused.

I Still Love You xxx

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December 01, 2005

Better

Things have been a lot better this week. I have been able to go through daily life without the extra pressure of Frank's moods and uncontrollable behaviour.

I took some drastic action when we rowed last week but I think it has paid off. I'm reluctant to go into details about anything at the moment in case I manage to jinx them. All I can say for now, is that it is like living with a different man in a different household.

Frank has probation today, I am expecting him to get up in a bad mood and I am expecting him to be snappy. This alone is making me nervous so I'm sure if I carry on I will give him the impression that something is up and manage to make things uncomfortable and tense. My plan of action instead, is to let him know how proud I am of him after seeing the amount of effort he can put into our relationship and show him that he is loved as much as he is.

We'll see how that works out when he rises out of the pit.

I Still Love You xxx

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