He Beats Me but...
...I Still Love Him
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November 20, 2005
Please No More
After writing my last post, Frank got out of bed. He asked me what was wrong and I said I was fed up. That led to a huge row with all the usual shouting and nastiness. In the end I told him I wanted him to leave. That I had had enough. He packed a bag and stormed out.
His dad turned up. He had phoned him to come round and make sure I didn't leave with the baby. His dad ended up talking to him on my phone here and told him he wouldn't do that and that Frank had to start listening because if he caused me any trouble I would call the police and he could easily end up in jail.
I did speak to the police. They offered to try and get me in a refuge that night but told me if I wanted to stay in the house all I could do was phone 999 if he started on me again.
I stayed and he came back.
We tried to talk things through but we didn't get anywhere. In the end I thought he had agreed that we were separate but for now would be living together and he would be helping with the kids.
The next morning that wasn't the case and I flipped out. I never know if I am coming or going anymore and he just confuses my brain to the point of self destruction. I lost it completely and told him that I just wanted to be dead.
I do just want to be dead if this is going to keep going around and around.
I calmed down eventually.
Yesterday when he got up I made extra effort to be nice and show there were no hard feelings. We went out shopping and had a nice day.
At 4am this morning the baby woke us both up. He started shouting at me about being useless again and stormed downstairs. I followed to try and talk to him calmly but he just kept shouting. In the end he announced he was going back to bed. By then I felt like crap again and chose to sit on my own for a bit. He came back downstairs and started shouting some more.
That set me off because I was just trying to keep it calm and not get into an argument. That set him off worse until he was pulling me about as usual and that made me worse because I just wanted to get out of here again.
Now I am sitting on my own as usual, with the last things him saying to me being that he can't go on like this, that he might as well tell me to fuck off and that I'm no good to him.
Fuck knows what I am going to do.
I Still Love You xxx