He Beats Me but...

December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to anyone I know and anyone who still happens to be reading this.

After i last updated to say that i had left, Frank tricked me into going home.

Needless to say I had to leave again.

I'm now in a refuge with no money, no possessions and no real opptimism. The first week i got here my purse was stolen with £300 and all my cash cards in. I was not impressed and have since been struggling.

Frank is desperately trying to convince me to go back. I'm not feeling it and just want to throw up all the time.

Fingers crossed things will work out this time if i stick it out here and hope some good fortune comes my way.

Donations for my new life are readily accepted *cheeky grin*

I Still Love You xxx

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October 07, 2006

Flying Free

I Left him.

I Still Love You xxx

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May 22, 2006

I feel really bad

In fact I feel terrible.

I'm letting myself down, my kids down and my friend down.

Everything I do is wrong.

I try to leave, I back out.

I want to leave, then I don't.

If I speak out and complain/talk about my feelings everyone tells me to leave.

If I bottle it up, because I don't want to leave, I start falling apart.

I wish someone could understand this from my side.

But yeah I feel terrible and I am sorry. I don't want to cause pain and upset for anyone.

If I could blow myself up tomorrow I would.

I Still Love You xxx

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May 21, 2006

I'm Confused

I tried to leave.

Monday night we agreed it was over and i felt relieved.

Tuesday morning he got up and automatically started talking like we were still together.

We rowed until i finally agreed to keep trying.

He says i need to communicate better.

I feel like everytime i try to communicate with him about anything he blows up.

He says it's because i'm so anxious and nervous around him all the time. I'm not loving him enough and not giving him what he needs.

I say i'm scared to even wake him up in the mornings. What does he expect?

He says to stop being scared.

I say I can't.

He says my anxiety stops me from going near him, so he feels unloved and behaves in this way. Then i react badly to him, try to walk away from him which is the worst thing i can do. Until i start getting out of control and acting crazy myself. Then it all goes to hell and i get hit.

I say i'm scared of him because of everything he has done. That i try my best to overcome fear and show him that i still love him. He gets angry over nothing and starts ranting at me. His ranting is threatening and aggressive, making me scared and too nervous to speak. He will keep pushing at everything bad he can say about me and my life until i get angry or really hurt and try to walk away from him. Then he starts grabbing at me or blocking my way which makes me extremely anxious.

In the end i'm screaming at him to leave me alone because i can't take it anymore and he is just pushing me and shoving me and causing me to act insane.

I Still Love You xxx

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May 15, 2006

Update

Frank has his 3rd session of anger management today. So far it appears to be helping. Things have definitely improved and I feel we have both made progress. I still have apprehensions about the whole situation, but I think that is to be expected at times.

I've been trying to research domestic abuse and violence but I'm already sick of reading about how these men are fucked up, wont change and that the female should just run away. I'm fairly confidant that there is another side to the story and I think it would benefit me a whole lot more to understand it.

I want to hear about men who have been the abusers. Those who either got help, walked away or were left. I want to know their stories and their side of things. I want to be able to understand Frank more and help him more. I can't hear about Frank being bad any longer. I can't hear the same old advice of "get out". I want people to listen to me when I say NO. NO he isn't a bad man. NO he doesn't mean to, or want to do these things. NO it wont suddenly make him change if I leave.

In fact I think it would do the opposite. It is his fear of being alone that makes him this way (imho). The more I manage to show him that he doesn't have to be scared; that I wont abandon him, run away from him or double cross him, the less I find myself dealing with behaviour from him that makes me scared.

NO I don't need to get out. I need to help the man I love because he is suffering more than I am.

We have both established that I am the stronger one out of the two of us. He is weak, unable to control his anger. He is becoming the man he hated.

I am the one still standing, still getting on with my life.

Like he said...I can take all that he gives out to me and still get on with my life. He can do everything he does and I can still get up everyday and make sure my kids are happy. He can't do anything but be entrapped by his own anger.

He needs love, support and help to deal with a problem he has hid from for years.

The kids need love, support and help to deal with his outbursts. They need to know that they can't take it personally. That it is daddy's problem to deal with. They already know to ignore it and to continue playing because when he calms down he loves us and is a decent loving man.

Are they scared of him? A little but do they want to leave him? NO. I asked them and they want to stay. To let him finish his course and see what happens from there. If they ever got to the point where they hated him and wanted him out of our lives. So be it.

He knows it is time to get help. For himself as much as me and the kids.

There's still tenseness and a long way to go but I do have a little more hope and that's more than I had a couple of weeks ago.

I looked up the aims and methods of the program he is on. Already I can see how it is changing the way he thinks about certain things. He told me that it useless trying to deny or fight it, that "eventually every man in that room will be broken".

I'm not sure why but I found comfort in that.

I Still Love You xxx

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April 30, 2006

Court

I've been released on unconditional bail,

So usual gumpf...

I have to return to court, for full trial on the 20th June. Failure to do so will result in a warrant for my arrest being issued.

Once I surrender myself to the custody of the court on the 20th, I won't be able to leave until after the trial.

If I commit any more offences before the 20th I will be sentenced more severely.

Joy!

The court has arranged that the trial will be about 2 hours long.

One of the witnesses for me is likely to be Frank.

I'm not sure that this is such a great idea.

I Still Love You xxx

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April 22, 2006

I'm Here You're Not

Everyone has an opinion.

Many have advice.

Only a select few have support.

It is these people that I will consider to be worth considering.

Read my words, take from them what you will.

You still wont know me or my life.

A place to rant.

Unhindered thoughts.

Not necessarily an accurate portrayal of the way things are.

Too quick to judge.

Even quicker to speak out of turn.

I play a role in this too.

Responsibilities.

To be loved.

To be needed.

I'm here you're not.

I Still Love You xxx

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